Ep. 123: Healing Power Dynamics, Overcoming Judgments and Building Authentic Relationships

Episode 123: 

Healing Power Dynamics, Overcoming Judgments and Building Authentic Relationships

Winter is approaching in my corner of the world. Winter always has me slowing down and going into deep introspection.

In this episode, I explore what’s most on my mind. This includes the themes of enemy perception, power dynamics, agendas in relationships, judgments, and the quest for community. Reflecting on my own experiences and observations, I discuss how societal and personal behaviors contribute to division and explores ways to foster connection, mutual empowerment, and authenticity in relationships. 

00:00 Introduction: The Concept of an Enemy

00:56 Exploring Relationship Diversity

01:46 Personal Journey: Choosing Warmth Over Cold

03:06 Winter Introspection and Healing

05:59 Power Dynamics in Relationships

09:34 Understanding Agendas

12:18 Reflecting on Judgments

16:22 Transforming the Concept of an Enemy

18:50 The Importance of Community

20:13 Conclusion and How to Send Me Your Thoughts

This is Relationships Reimagined.

Join the conversation as we dive into a new paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships.

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Podcast Music by Zachariah Hickman

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Power Dynamics and Agendas
• 12:18 Exploring Authenticity and Connection
• 21:45 Transforming Relationships Through Self-Exploration

Transcript

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:00

This idea of an enemy, this concept of defining someone as other based on our differences, has been weighing heavily on me. There's so much rhetoric these days about the enemy and it's often rooted in our differences rather than our shared humanity. But when we focus on what separates us, we create more walls. It's a big, overwhelming concept when I think about it on a global or societal scale, and I don't know how to shift it on that level. So I ask myself what can I do within my own life, within my relationships? When in my interactions do I consciously pit myself against someone else? When do I frame a disagreement as a me versus them, rather than seeing us as on the same team? And then I wonder what would it take to change that? What would it feel like to work together to find common ground? But here's the hard part how do you do that when you don't feel safe, seen or accepted in your own beliefs? Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from soloramory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, carrie Jarislow. Bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become. Relationships can become the cold, and I have never been a good match.

Carrie Jeroslow: 1:52

When I was applying to colleges, I naturally gravitated towards schools in the Northeast. Growing up in Maryland, that region felt familiar, but during my search I stumbled upon Florida State University and their communication program. Back in my late teenage years, I had dreams of working in radio. I even interned at a local station. During my senior year of high school, my dad and I visited Tallahassee in the middle of January. The heavy coat I wore when we left home was quickly shed and I didn't need it until we returned. I still remember that moment so vividly stepping off the plane, feeling the warm, humid air on my skin and catching the tropical scent in the breeze. My body immediately relaxed, as if it already knew this was where I needed to be. As we toured the campus, I noticed shirtless guys playing volleyball, laughing and flexing in the January sun. I couldn't believe it. This was winter. That experience sealed the deal for me sealed the deal. For me. Warmth, sunshine and greenery were my ideal companions. So fast forward to today, and I still feel that contrast deeply.

Carrie Jeroslow: 3:12

When winter approaches, my body slows down almost like it's protesting the cold. My bed feels too inviting to leave in the mornings, and hitting snooze becomes a ritual, just to hold on to that cocoon of warmth for a little bit longer. I've started to wonder if the seasonal shift is my intuition's way of nudging me to slow down. During the spring, summer and fall, life tends to be a whirlwind. My other business is at its busiest and my responsibilities feel endless. But winter offers something different an opportunity to pause, to go inward.

Carrie Jeroslow: 3:55

Over the years, I've come to appreciate that the cold, while not my favorite, brings me this gift of introspection and healing. This winter feels different, though. I'm actually looking forward to cocooning, to setting aside the never-ending task lists and releasing the belief that my worth is tied to productivity. Instead, I'm ready to nurture my inner world. It's a complex space, one that deserves attention and care. I'm taking time to check in with myself, to ask how am I really doing, how am I feeling, what needs to be released and what am I ready to birth in its place. Sometimes this process leads to tangible ideas, but more often it uncovers deeper patterns and wounds. I want to explore and shift. I've found that when I'm overwhelmed with what's happening in the world, the best place to start is within. What if the challenges I see outside are reflections of something unresolved inside? And that's a powerful place to begin. This winter. I have plenty to investigate, especially with all that's going on in the world, and it all ties into relationships, my relationships, how I show up for others, how I connect with myself and how these dynamics shape my world. So I thought it would be meaningful and possibly interesting to you to share some of these bigger questions that I'm going to be sitting with, hoping that they spark reflections for you too. Maybe they'll inspire you to notice something in your own relationships, how they're flowing or where they might need attention in your own relationships, how they're flowing or where they might need attention. I don't have the answers yet, but who knows, maybe in the spring I'll have learned something worth sharing in another episode. But for now, here are where my thoughts are headed. Okay, let's dive into my first thought.

Carrie Jeroslow: 6:00

This relates to power and control, specifically power over versus power with. How are they different? So much of the fear, anger and wounding I see in relationships seem rooted in power dynamics. The wounded script often says I need to feel more powerful than you to feel good about myself. Says I need to feel more powerful than you to feel good about myself. It's the drive to have more money, a better job, a better relationship and to subtly or overtly show others that we do.

Carrie Jeroslow: 6:35

But underneath this power over dynamic, I sense an underlying wound, the feeling of being powerless. It's often unresolved pain from childhood or young adulthood that continues to play out. I've seen this pattern play out firsthand when my kids were younger. So when my oldest child felt like I was exerting power over him, he tended to turn around and do the same thing to his younger sibling. It's a cycle, a reaction to feeling small or powerless. I also see this in the broader world when I learn about angry wealthy people. Their stories often reveal painful childhoods or bullying experiences. These unresolved wounds become the fuel for perpetuating cycles of harm.

Carrie Jeroslow: 7:30

And this dynamic shows up in relationships too, especially within the old paradigm of monogamy. The narrative of he's mine or she's mine or they're mine carries an air of ownership, echoing the historical roots of monogamy as a form of property control, but that's a topic for a whole other episode. So my question becomes where do I perpetuate this in my own relationships? We're conditioned to play out these dynamics, and recognizing that helps me approach this question with compassion and curiosity rather than judgment. This leads me to explore the concept of power over versus power with.

Carrie Jeroslow: 8:17

Power with feels radically different. It's collaborative, different. It's collaborative, supportive and rooted in mutual empowerment. It says when we are all empowered, we all rise together. It's the mindset of caring deeply about the other person's well-being while remaining grounded in our own sense of self. It acknowledges that healing our own wounds, the ones that say I need to feel better than you to be okay, is the key to truly authentic relationships. When I'm in that place of healing and self-confidence, I find I no longer need to compare or compete. Instead, I can focus on what I truly want and trust that, in the right environment, I can live authentically. Power with becomes a natural way of being, and it feels so good, not just to me but to everyone involved. Now, of course, this isn't always easy. It's a process, a practice, but even in the moments I've experienced it, I can feel the difference. It's freeing, it's healing and it's worth exploring further. So the next big idea I've been exploring and will continue to dive into this winter is agendas, both conscious and unconscious, supportive and coercive.

Carrie Jeroslow: 9:46

The Cambridge Dictionary defines agenda in three ways One, a list of matters to be discussed at a meeting. Two, a list of aims or possible future achievements. And three, a secret aim or reason for doing something. When I think about agendas, I see them playing out in the larger world, especially in politics. There's always an agenda. Sometimes it's clearly stated, but often what's said on the surface doesn't align with the underlying intent. That disconnect gets me thinking about my own relationships. When do I approach someone with an agenda? Is having an agenda inherently bad or can it be good?

Carrie Jeroslow: 10:34

I'm realizing that when I bring an agenda into my relationships through a conversation or discussion, it often limits what can emerge. There's less space for a genuine discussion or an unexpected solution, one that might be more supportive, collaborative and maybe even magical than anything I could have imagined on my own. This leads me to another question what's the difference between an agenda that feeds into power over dynamics and something else like an intention that nurtures power with dynamics? I wonder if agendas, especially the coercive kind, are rooted in fear. Those three definitions of agenda each carry a different energy. The first two seem neutral or even positive. They're about planning and progress, but the third, having a secret aim, feels manipulative, as though it operates beneath the surface in a way that diminishes trust. So my inquiry becomes how can I, in my relationships, approach situations with the clarity and honesty of the first two definitions, while consciously avoiding the third? How can I bring my intentions forward in a way that honors the people I'm relating to, leaving room for collaboration and co-creation? This is something I'm sitting with, something I want to explore more deeply as I continue to reflect on the dynamics of my relationships and the ways I show up within them.

Carrie Jeroslow: 12:18

The next idea I've been reflecting a lot on is judgments, the belief that I am right and that my ideas and perspectives are the correct ones. Judgments are everywhere, saturating our world One person judging another, one group judging another group, one nation judging another nation. And let's be real, I'm not immune, none of us are. But this is an area I really want to look at and work on. Maybe it's my Libra moon and Libra rising astrological sign, but I often genuinely want to hear and understand everyone's perspective. I try to step into their shoes and see the world through their lens and many times I can I understand how someone could feel the way they do, even if I don't agree.

Carrie Jeroslow: 13:12

I live by the belief that you can never fully know what another person has been through, the path they've walked, the pain they've carried. If we could, I really believe that their choices, beliefs and, yes, even their judgments would make sense. And yet I judge, we all judge. Is this inherent in our culture? Is it part of being human? I'm not really sure, but I do believe there's value in doing the work to educate ourselves, to research and to form thoughtful conclusions. And that's the key difference I've been pondering conclusions versus judgments. Conclusions can be rooted in curiosity and understanding.

Carrie Jeroslow: 13:57

Judgments, on the other hand, are divisive. They make someone wrong, they separate us and they tie directly into power over dynamics. Judgments are the perfect fuel for that script. I'm right, which means you're wrong. But here's the thing Judgments will never bring us together. They'll never create the connection, understanding or healing that we so desperately need, and I believe a lot of us really want. So what do we do with them?

Carrie Jeroslow: 14:28

I don't think it's realistic to just say don't have judgments. We're human, they're going to happen. But I do believe we can use our judgments as a tool for self-awareness. But I do believe we can use our judgments as a tool for self-awareness. What if, every time we caught ourselves judging, we paused and asked what's this really about? What is this reflecting back to me? And then, once we've done that inner work, what if we took the next step and asked questions? No-transcript, because while judgments divide, curiosity and compassion have the power to bring us back together, and here's why this is so important to me.

Carrie Jeroslow: 15:11

I believe that, if you dig deep enough into the root of what we all want, it's this we all want to feel safe in our world. We all want to feel like our needs are met and, yes, we may have vastly different ideas of how to get there. But what if we could put our judgments aside and come together in this shared desire? What if we could feel safe in who we are, not in what we do or what we produce, but in our authentic selves? To me, this is the deepest longing to be seen, to be known, to be accepted for the truth of who we are. I don't know if this is fully possible, especially in the broader sense of the world. But I do know it's something I want to explore. This winter I'll be asking myself how I can take baby steps towards this vision. How can I let go of my judgments and move closer to authenticity, connection and a shared sense of safety? And this reflection naturally transitions into my next thought for my winter cocooning the concept of an enemy, what it means, how it shows up and how I can begin to transform my understanding of it.

Carrie Jeroslow: 16:29

This idea of an enemy, this concept of defining someone as other based on our differences, has been weighing heavily on me. There's so much rhetoric these days about the enemy, and it's often rooted in our distinctions rather than our shared humanity. But when we focus on what separates us, we create more walls, more division. It ties into those earlier ideas of judgment and power over dynamics. Making someone the enemy can easily lead to rallying others to our side, reinforcing a sense of us versus them. It's a big, overwhelming concept when I think about it on a global or societal scale, and I don't know how to shift it on that level.

Carrie Jeroslow: 17:17

So I asked myself what can I do within my own life, within my relationships? When, in my interactions, do I consciously pit myself against someone else? When do I frame a disagreement as a me versus them, rather than seeing us as on the same team? And then I wonder what would it take to change that? What would it feel like to metaphorically step over to the other side of the tennis net and work together to hold the same racket to find common ground? But here's the hard part how do you do that when you don't feel safe, seen or accepted in your own beliefs? Who makes the first move towards connection and how do you even start that process? These are the questions I want to sit with this winter. I believe that exploring these questions could transform how we approach conflict, particularly in our closest relationships. What does it take to step out of the enemy mindset when you're at odds with your partner, your friend or even yourself? How do you find a way to collaborate in resolving conflict rather than seeing it as a battle to be won?

Carrie Jeroslow: 18:30

For those of you who've listened to my other episodes, you know that I'm still healing my relationship with conflict, so this feels like a natural area of focus for my winter cocooning a chance to explore how I can shift from division to connection, starting with the small everyday moments in my own life and finally, at least for now, I'm tuning my attention to community how we come together, heal divides and support one another. How can I contribute to my local community and if I don't feel connected to it, how do I find that sense of community? How do I seek out and nurture a community that resonates with me on a deeper level? What does it feel like in my body when I experience that resonance, that feeling of true support? I'm also reflecting on how I can shift away from living out of obligation or a need to fit in and instead live authentically while accepting others to do the same. I believe we are stronger together.

Carrie Jeroslow: 19:36

But the question is what does that community look and feel like? Especially when exploring something as outside the norm, as relationship diversity, community becomes essential. Over the past five weeks, I've seen the power of community in action, especially among marginalized groups, and it's been truly inspiring. How can I contribute to that? This idea of community has been on my mind for a while and I've touched on it in many episodes, but this winter feels like the perfect time to dive deeper into my inquiry. So that's where my winter cocooning is taking me. Not too much right. But what about you. What resonates with you from all of this? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to send me a message by clicking send us a text link at the top of the show notes. At the core of all of this is one crucial thing curiosity, and that's why I always end my episodes with stay curious.

Carrie Jeroslow: 20:45

Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my website, kerryjerislowcom, instagram or TikTok. Stay curious Every relationship is as unique as you are.

Carrie Jeroslow: 21:45

Every relationship is as unique as you are. Are you wondering why you never seem to find lasting fulfillment in your relationships? Or do you create the same kinds of relationship experiences over and over again? Can you never seem to find even one person who you want to explore a relationship with. Have you just given up hope altogether? If this sounds like you, my recent book why Do they Always Break Up With Me is the perfect place to start. The foundation of any relationship, whether intimate or not, is the relationship we have with ourselves. In the book, I lead you through eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey. You'll learn about the importance of self-acceptance, gratitude, belief, shifting and forgiveness, and given exercises to experience these life-changing concepts. This is the process I use to shift my relationships from continual heartbreak to what they are now fulfilling, soul nourishing, compassionate and loving. It is possible for you. This book can set you on a path to get there. Currently available through Amazon or through the link in the show notes.