Ep. 121: Break Free from Relationship Patterns: Tools for Deep Healing and Lasting Growth

Episode 121: 
Break Free from Relationship Patterns: Tools for Deep Healing and Lasting Growth

In this episode, I dive into how resurfacing patterns in relationships are opportunities for growth and healing. 

I share my personal experiences and introduce a four-step process to break free from autopilot reactions: pausing to notice, separating the past from the present, getting curious, and making conscious choices. 

With practical advice and self-reflection tools, I guide listeners to navigate challenges, enhance self-awareness, and deepen their relationships. 

Join me as I explore how to shift from repetitive cycles to empowerment and fulfillment.

00:00 Introduction to Relationship Diversity

01:13 Personal Reflections and Challenges

03:03 Understanding and Breaking Patterns

06:25 The Four-Step Process for Change

08:06 Step One: Pause and Notice

11:05 Step Two: Separate Past from Present

14:54 Step Three: Get Curious

16:37 Step Four: Make a Conscious Choice

18:35 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

19:34 Podcast Outro and Additional Resources

This is Relationships Reimagined.

Join the conversation as we dive into a new paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships.

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Podcast Music by Zachariah Hickman

Chapters

• 0:00 Relationship Diversity and Healing Patterns
• 10:00 Healing Through Self-Reflection and Choice
• 20:29 Transforming Relationships Through Self-Exploration

Transcript

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:00

Here's the thing Patterns resurface not to punish us, but to show us how much we've grown and where there's still room to grow and heal. Each time you face a challenge that feels familiar, it's an opportunity to respond differently, to heal on a deeper level and evolve into an even more truer version of yourself. Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity from soloramory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, keri Jaroslow, bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become.

Carrie Jeroslow: 1:12

Anyone else feeling like life's been extra intense lately. I've been processing so much Grieving, connecting, questioning, shifting priorities, finding little pockets of joy and pleasure, changing and just evolving a lot. I'm no stranger to this kind of inner work. I've been peeling back layers of myself for decades now, but lately the speed and intensity feel cranked up to a whole new level. Recent events, both in the US and globally, have forced me to stop tiptoeing around old wounds. They've brought everything right up to my face, daring me to deal with it, and it's been a ride. Challenges from my past are reappearing in strangely similar ways, as if the universe is saying hey, look at this again Now, really look. But here's what's different. Now I can see how much I've grown Over the past 30 years. I've done so much healing and I've become a truer, more joyful, more authentic version of myself. I see it in how I show up in my relationships and really in how I navigate my daily life. But still I'm human. I'm the first to admit I'm a work in progress. I'm the first to admit I'm a work in progress.

Carrie Jeroslow: 2:44

So when these old, seemingly familiar challenges pop up, I can get really frustrated with myself. My first thought is usually something like really this again. And then comes self-doubt why haven't I figured this out by now? But after that initial wave of frustration, I have learned to pause and breathe. And then I get curious and I start asking why is this showing up again? What am I supposed to learn here? Could this be a chance to heal something that I wasn't ready to before? To heal something that I wasn't ready to before, or maybe even to go deeper than I ever have. And then this question is this really the same as before, or does it just feel the same? Then, when I sit with these questions, I find the same idea keeps coming back to me Presence.

Carrie Jeroslow: 3:44

It's about staying grounded in the here and now and really paying attention to what's happening, because so often our brains trick us into thinking we're stuck in a loop, when really we're being handed a chance to go deeper in our healing, to maybe get to that last, seemingly big, but actually small nougat that's keeping us from living our most authentic lives. So here's what I've noticed A lot of us, myself included, get stuck because we're running on autopilot. We let these old scripts play out just like this. Something happens, we feel a sensation in our body tightness, heat, sharpness, something familiar. Our brains label that sensation as an emotion, anxiety, fear and as a warning sign based on a past experience. Maybe we assume oh, this is just like the last time. And we brace ourselves for the worst. We respond in the same way we always have, because it feels safe, even if it's not helpful, and just like that we're back in the same repetitive cycle.

Carrie Jeroslow: 5:00

So let me give you an example. My partner and I have an argument. Things get heated. I try to express how I feel, but my mind blanks. I shut down, start blaming myself and spiral into self-doubt. Why? Because that's what I learned to do as a kid, watching my parents fight. It's what I did in my first marriage. During every argument, too. Somewhere along the way, my brain decided conflict equals disaster and it's all my fault. Even though I've done this work and know better, it's so easy to slip back into those unconscious patterns. It's like muscle memory for my emotions. But here's the good news it doesn't have to play out that way. With a little awareness and some intentional reflection, I have been practicing and have gotten better at breaking out of the cycle and experiencing big shifts in my relationships that are bringing more fulfillment and expansion than I ever thought possible. I've been looking at this process and picking apart what it is that I'm actually doing to make these shifts and to experience real change in my internal state, which, in turn, has been having a powerful effect on my experiences with others. And that's what I'm going to talk about in today's episode how to stop running on autopilot, slow down, get curious and investigate what's really going on while giving you some practical tools to get you there. Going on while giving you some practical tools to get you there.

Carrie Jeroslow: 6:40

But first let me share a little background about how this process came into my life. Over the past six to nine months, my relationships have felt especially intense, almost like they were pushing me to evolve. On the surface, the dynamics with my partner seemed very similar to an experience that I had over a decade ago with my husband, and I found myself stuck in the question why is this happening again? What am I supposed to learn? What did I not heal from before? What am I learning now? What am I wanting to learn now? It was my partner who gently helped me see the differences between what had happened in the past with my husband and what was truly unfolding in the present with my partner. His insight prompted me to pause and reflect deeply, and as I examined the situation more closely, I realized he was right. While my body reacted as if this was deja vu, the reality was that there were far more differences than similarities, and this shift in perspective is what gave birth to this process.

Carrie Jeroslow: 7:50

So I've broken this process into four steps that will give you tangible ways to stop the autopilot response and really break down what's happening. Okay, so the first step is to pause and notice. This step is all about breaking the autopilot response. It can be the most challenging step because a lot of times we don't know we're doing something until it gets pointed out or until we become hyper aware of our responses. I always think a somatic awareness, or in other words, going to the sensations you feel in your body, are the way to start this. The body never lies and this is where, even if you don't know what exactly is going on, you can feel if something's off in your body.

Carrie Jeroslow: 8:46

So when a triggering situation arises, I encourage you to stop and notice what's happening inside of you, ask yourself what's happening in my body, and I encourage you to stick to a sensation instead of a labeling. And what I mean by that is a sensation is I feel tightness, I feel it in my heart, I feel heat, I feel shakiness, I feel heat in my face, I feel wooziness, I feel a dizziness, those kinds of sensations. What is going on in your body? And then what emotions are coming up Fear, anger, sadness and it can be really helpful to see what sensation that you have in your body is tied to what emotion? Because, again, when you're that clear, you can begin to pull apart those two things, because a tightness in your chest may not always be anger, may not always be fear, it could be something else. And to be able to separate it out, you can get more clear on what's really going on. And then you can ask yourself is this emotion familiar?

Carrie Jeroslow: 10:00

So by pausing, you give yourself a chance to step out of your reactive mind and in to an observer mindset. The sensations in your body are clues, not facts. They don't dictate what's happening now, but rather connect you to something your brain remembers from the past. And I just want to say that if you're super triggered and in a dysregulated place, stop here and don't go on to the next step, because the next step really needs to wait until you're feeling more regulated. To help yourself get more regulated, go into your self-care practice. Go take a walk, take a breath, take a bath, take a shower. You can also place your hand on your heart belly, take slow breaths. This helps you feel safe enough and calm. Have settled down to move into the next step.

Carrie Jeroslow: 10:50

Because this step, step two, is the foundation of this process and in step two. Your goal is to separate the past from the present and disrupt the this is happening again narrative. This is where, with a little self-inquiry, you're going to investigate how the circumstance you're currently dealing with is similar and different from a past experience or hurt, and this is where a chart has really helped me and a chart, I think, could really help you. I found that in this process, I have tried to do this step in my head and I have had much better results writing it down. So I really encourage you to write it down in some way and not just do it in your mind. Okay, so get a piece of paper out or your journal, or a piece of scrap paper, it doesn't really matter and create two columns On one side, you want to write down what's the same as last time, and on the other side, you want to write down what is different this time, and so you have two columns.

Carrie Jeroslow: 12:08

So when I filled out this chart about conflict with a partner and what is similar to my experience with conflict as a little child and what is different, While the feelings and sensations in my body seemed and felt the same, a closer look revealed all these differences, like during my parents' divorce, I was a child with no tools or awareness to navigate conflict. I was also completely dependent on my parents During my divorce. I was still carrying these raw wounds from my parents' divorce that I hadn't yet fully processed, and although I had done a lot of spiritual work in my first marriage, I realized that the core of what needed to be healed was still very much affecting me. But now, in 2024, I've done decades of healing. I have tools, awarenesses and supportive partners who understand my journey and are choosing connection, and when I saw it right in front of my eyes, I realized how huge that is.

Carrie Jeroslow: 13:15

This step also became a moment to celebrate how far I'd come and recognizing my growth isn't just healing, it's empowering, and I've done this process so many times since I first tried it and I've been amazed at what I found. So, for example, just the other day, I had something come up that brought me right back to a feeling I had in high school of not fitting in and feeling rejected. And when I sat down and I drew out this chart and started filling it out, I was amazed that there was only one thing that I could come up with. That was the same from my high school years, and that was the sensation that was going on in my body, that sharp sensation in the middle of my chest that I would label as feeling hurt. But everything else was vastly different and if I hadn't done this exercise, I would have let that sensation determine and dictate my actions, and they probably would have been the way that I dealt with that rejection in the past, through passive, aggressive words and through self degradation. I saw that this was, in fact, the best outcome that could have come from the situation and, instead of sitting in the hurt, I actually was inspired by them. So I felt inspired by the other person's actions instead of controlled by them. So give this a try and let me know how it goes for you.

Carrie Jeroslow: 14:54

Okay, now moving on to step three, which is to get curious. I end all my solo podcast episodes with stay curious, because curiosity is the anecdote to judgment and fear. So once you've paused and created space and explored the similarities and the differences, you can begin to ask yourself some deeper questions, to go deeper into your healing. Questions like what story am I telling myself about the situation, and is that story true, or is it really based on those past experiences? What's actually happening right now. What do I need in this moment? What am I wanting to shift and heal within myself? What could be a different reaction, using what I know how much I've learned and healed in the past? Using the example of finding myself triggered during an argument, the familiar feelings may autopilot a feeling and thought of this is going to lead to a breakup, because that's what happened to my parents. But when I stop, reflect, do my chart and get curious, I discover that's not true at all and that this conflict could be a chance for us to come together, be vulnerable and emerge stronger. All that to say that by getting curious, you can shift from reacting to exploring, from victimhood to empowerment, and this opens up possibilities for more growth and connection. And finally, this is where the magic can happen. Finally, this is where the magic can happen.

Carrie Jeroslow: 16:37

Step four is to make a conscious choice. So, with awareness and clarity, you can choose a new, different, more supportive response. Ask yourself what's a small but meaningful step I can take to handle this differently? How can I communicate my truth? What tools can I use to ground myself before responding? Going back to my argument scenario, instead of shutting down, disconnecting and blaming myself, I instead choose to pause, take some deep breaths and say I need a moment to gather my thoughts. I'll come back to this. I then do my self-reflection and when I get clarity, I can return to the conversation and express how I truly feel, with the intention of sharing and connection.

Carrie Jeroslow: 17:28

And even if I have a similar response than before or I find myself struggling to speak up in the moment because, like I say, I'm not perfect and I'm still learning I can still celebrate the fact that I have the awareness to recognize that, to recognize the differences and the tools to process and circle back. We're all works in progress and self-compassion is essential and self-compassion is essential. Okay, those are the four steps. So to review, step one is to pause and notice when you feel that familiar emotional trigger, stop, take a breath, tune into your body. The second step separate the past from the present and write it down on paper what is similar and what is different.

Carrie Jeroslow: 18:19

Step three is to get curious Instead of jumping to conclusions, asking what's really going on here. And fourth is to make a conscious choice. Make a conscious choice to respond differently. Here's the thing Patterns resurface, not to punish us, but to show us how much we've grown and where there's still room to grow and heal. Each time you face a challenge that feels familiar, it's an opportunity to respond differently, to heal on a deeper level and evolve into an even more truer version of yourself. So when old wounds show up, I encourage you to meet them with curiosity, self-compassion and celebration. You're not the same person you were back then. You're stronger, wiser and more capable than ever. Let this realization inspire you to keep going, keep growing, keep rewriting your story, because every step forward is a testament to your resilience and your commitment to yourself, and you are worth it. Until the next time, stay curious.

Carrie Jeroslow: 19:33

Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my website, kerryjerislowcom, instagram or TikTok. Stay curious.

Carrie Jeroslow: 20:29

Every relationship is as unique as you are is as unique as you are. Are you wondering why you never seem to find lasting fulfillment in your relationships? Or do you create the same kinds of relationship experiences over and over again? Can you never seem to find even one person who you want to explore a relationship with? Have you just given up hope altogether?

Carrie Jeroslow: 20:56

If this sounds like you, my recent book why Do they Always Break Up With Me is the perfect place to start. The foundation of any relationship, whether intimate or not, is the relationship we have with ourselves. In the book, I lead you through eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey. I lead you through eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey. You'll learn about the importance of self-acceptance, gratitude, belief shifting and forgiveness, and given exercises to experience these life-changing concepts. This is the process I use to shift my relationships from continual heartbreak to what they are now fulfilling, soul-nourishing, compassionate and loving. It is possible for you. This book can set you on a path to get there, Currently available through Amazon or through the link in the show notes.