Ep. 116: Fear's Role in Relationship Exploration and Growth

Episode 116:
Fear’s Role in Relationship Exploration and Growth

In this episode, I explore the multifaceted nature of fear and its role in personal growth and relationship diversity. 

I discuss how fear can both protect and limit us, offering practical strategies for self-reflection and understanding our relationship with fear. 

I explore the questions: When should you push through the fear and when should you listen to it and pull back?

Fear is a natural and normal emotion, especially when questioning or exploring different relationship structures. We shouldn’t feel bad or broken for feeling fear. It’s important and has many important messages for us. This episode explores these messages and how to decipher what your fear is trying to tell you.

00:00 Introduction to Fear and Relationships

00:17 Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast

02:35 Exploring Fear as a Catalyst for Growth

04:57 Pushing Through Fear for Self-Growth

09:13 Listening to Fear and Setting Boundaries

12:42 Practices to Understand and Manage Fear

20:44 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

22:23 Podcast Outro and Additional Resources

This is Relationships Reimagined.

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Podcast Music by Zachariah Hickman

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Fear in Relationships
• 4:57 Navigating Fear in Relationships
• 13:13 Empowering Responses to Fear
• 23:17 Finding Fulfillment in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Fear is a complex emotion, but it can also be a valuable teacher, and so when we engage with it thoughtfully, consciously and with that tenderness and compassion, we honor both its transformative and protective roles. And the more we allow ourselves to feel fear without judgment, the more space we create for healing and growth. Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from soloramory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, keri Jaroslow, bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become.

Speaker 1: 1:15

I love bringing the thoughts and ideas I've been processing, or at least trying to process, into this podcast. As I prepare for each episode, I really dive into curiosity mode. I spend as much time as possible looking at a particular circumstance or situation from all its different sides, dissecting it and really questioning what it's all about. And one of the reasons I love doing this podcast is because it gives me direction, to find solutions, to find some answers. Because when I explore ideas by myself inside my mind, I notice that my mind tends to stick with what's comfortable and avoid the uncomfortable stuff. But when I bring these thoughts to this podcast, I can really push myself to explore the topic more deeply from all those different perspectives, getting them down on paper, sitting with them for a while, meditating on them and exploring them even more deeply than I would if it was just me in my own mind. And this is especially important for today's topic, which is fear. Now, fear is something I've been facing head on recently, and I started my exploration by wondering can fear actually be used as a catalyst for meaningful self-reflection? Well, yes, it can, because I have been going into a lot of meaningful self-reflection. So next I started asking myself specifically this when is it helpful to push through fear and when is it better to listen to it and honor its message?

Speaker 1: 3:12

When it comes to exploring diverse relationship styles, whether that's polyamory, non-monogamy, soloamory, intentional monogamy or simply learning about relationship diversity in general, fear will often show up, and it makes sense. We've all been conditioned to believe that only one type of relationship, the hetero mononormative kind, is valid and successful. Honestly, we're rarely shown what even a truly fulfilling monogamous relationship looks like. Social media offers these little curated snapshots of sweet tender moments and we're left thinking that's the whole picture. What we don't see most often are the messy, complicated parts like conflict and resolution, dealing with jealousy and dealing with and facing fear. So when we explore something new, like a relationship model outside of the norm, our minds can confuse it with betrayal or failure, which triggers fear, the fear of the unknown, the fear of being judged or rejected, and not just by romantic partners or intimate partners. Sometimes it's family and friends who struggle to understand our choices. So that's exactly what I'm going to dive into today Fear I'll talk about when it might be helpful to push through it and when it's better to listen to it, and then I'm also going to share some ways to explore these fears so that you can understand what they're trying to tell you, and these are all ways that I have worked with that have really helped me.

Speaker 1: 4:57

So I'm going to start with times that I choose to push through the fear and why I choose to sometimes push through the fear, because sometimes I feel fear for me shows up as a signal that I'm right on the edge of growth, right at the boundary of my comfort zone. I found it's helpful to push through fear when I feel that it's going to open the door to self-growth. So when fear shows up because I'm about to try something new, like exploring a different relationship style or expanding within my relationship structure, it's often an invitation to grow, and I love growth and evolution when I'm through it. But when I'm in it, it's scary and it's more for me about the fear of the unknown. So pushing through the fear can challenge my old beliefs and lead to new understandings about myself and others, and it can help shift limiting beliefs. And I'm all about shifting limiting beliefs. I'm all about looking at what my inbred limiting beliefs are, what I picked up from my childhood or from my family or culture, and questioning those. This is where I found the most growth in my life.

Speaker 1: 6:22

Fear often hides behind stories like I'm not worthy of love, or this isn't how relationships are supposed to be, or if they loved me, they'd act a certain way. There's so many of those. These are limiting beliefs that keep me from expressing who I am. So by confronting these fears and questioning these limiting beliefs, I create more space for me to really be me, for the me that was maybe shut down at four years old to come out, to grow, to evolve, to catch up and develop into what my actual age is. Catch up and develop into what my actual age is. These are the ones that help me to live more in my truth and then be able to express that to the people that I love and to be more fully myself in relationships.

Speaker 1: 7:17

I have experienced that pushing through the fear creates deeper intimacy with myself and with others. Having these challenging conversations, which are very scary at times and especially when you're navigating a diverse relationship structure. They can be scary but they're really necessary for building trust and connection necessary for building trust and connection. And when I push myself to have these conversations, once I get to the other side, I feel such a deeper sense of closeness, of intimacy and openness and it really does expand my relationships. Another reason why sometimes I choose to push through the fear is because I've had the experience that freedom lies on the other side of fear Freedom. When I push through the fear and I get to the other side, where I have so much more understanding about what that fear was about, I feel a sense of exhilaration, and it is a high like no other, because I faced my fear, I've pushed through it, I've healed, I've experienced and learned about myself, and my whole body lights up and feels alive, and that feeling is so necessary to remember when I'm on the side of fear that is keeping me stuck so many times.

Speaker 1: 8:59

I will push through the fear when I feel safe because of that feeling of freedom, of that feeling and that knowing that fear does not have control over me anymore. And as yummy as that feeling of freedom can be and exhilaration, there are still some times when I choose to listen to my fear and pull back. And so fear isn't just about growth. Sometimes it's a signal that something isn't right, and so I wanted to include some reasons that I've learned to listen to my fear, take pause and use it as a signal that moving forward would not be the best thing for me. And so the first reason that I will listen to the fear is when I feel like my boundaries are being crossed, and so fear can be that protective mechanism.

Speaker 1: 10:00

If I feel that my emotional or physical safety is at risk. I need to listen to that. I need to listen to the fear and pull back Boundaries are essential, and fear often tells me that they're being compromised. I also listen to fear when something feels incongruent with my values. So if a situation conflicts with my core values, fear might be reminding me to stay aligned with what's true for me. I've learned that by forcing myself into experiences that aren't authentic only leads to distress in the long run, and it also causes me to feel like I've betrayed myself. And if I'm not going to stand by myself, how can I expect anyone else to? It's also important to listen to fear when there is a risk of harm. Fear is critical when it warns of potential harm, whether emotional, physical, spiritual or psychological. It's really important to take those warnings seriously, especially in situations involving manipulation or coercion.

Speaker 1: 11:15

And then there's sometimes when my instincts are giving me these subtle warnings. So sometimes for me it shows up as a gut feeling that something is off, even if I can't immediately pinpoint why. That happens to me sometimes when I meet people and I get an initial negative feeling. Now there have been times to be totally honest, that I am wrong and that I get to know a person more and realize, oh, my first impression was not right, and so it does take some inquiry and there are nuances and there are a lot of times when those gut feelings are absolutely accurate and I need to listen to them. So learning to trust those instincts has helped me avoid situations that could be harmful might've been harmful, I never really know, because I will listen to my gut and choose to not engage.

Speaker 1: 12:13

So, like I just said, there are nuances to fear, and so how do you figure out what the fear is trying to tell you? Is it telling you to push forward? Is it telling you to expand and grow? Is it telling you, oh, that wouldn't be the best for me. So I wanted to give you some practices that have helped me find clarity while I'm figuring out what is the fear trying to tell me. The first practice I talk about a lot, which is self-reflection, journaling or meditating on your fear, can help you understand where it's coming from. Is it rooted in past experiences, social conditioning or something that's happening right now? If you're just starting this kind of self-exploration, it would be really helpful and it has been helpful for me to ask yourself what is your general relationship with fear.

Speaker 1: 13:13

Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and gets excited? Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and runs away? Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and runs away? Are you the kind of person who feels the fear and disassociates or disconnects? Is fear a motivator for you? And these awarenesses, the answers that you come up with, are so important because it gives you the opportunity to make a choice with how you are going to respond to the fear this time.

Speaker 1: 13:42

So, for example, for me, when I feel fear, I tend to disconnect. That was how I learned how to survive when I was young, going through distressful times, I disconnected. I would go in my room, I'd listen to music and not think about it, and so when I feel the fear come up, my instinct because this is what I've done in the past is to disconnect. Well, now that I know that that's what I'm doing, I have a choice. I can choose to disconnect or I can choose to connect, and even if it's not connecting with the other person, I can choose to connect with myself, to go inward. I can also choose sometimes to disconnect, and that's okay. But having the awareness gives me the choice.

Speaker 1: 14:28

It's not this unconscious reaction to an emotion that I feel in my body and that I've identified as fear. And so we get into these patterns when, usually from our childhood, we feel a sensation in our body that we identify as fear, and I don't even think we go through that intellectual journey of, oh, that's fear. We just feel the sensation and we react in the way that has kept us safe before. So stopping with that and understanding that's what you're doing puts you in a place of empowerment to choose a different way. This leads into the next practice that really has helped me, which is checking in with your body. Your body has wisdom. So noticing how it reacts when you feel the fear and when you think about moving forward or holding back, do you feel a sense of expansion or excitement, or does your body feel heavy and constricted?

Speaker 1: 15:33

It can be really helpful to just say where do I feel fear in my body? For me, it's in my chest, it's in my gut. I know that when I feel sensation there that I can stop and ask what is the fear about? Or even identify is this even fear? Because on the other side of fear is excitement. So, sitting with it and saying, am I fearful, excited or am I fearful for my safety, that will help to determine what is the best course of action with that particular circumstance.

Speaker 1: 16:09

And also the importance of tuning into your body, because your mind my mind, at least, I will say my mind will talk me in and out of all different kinds of things. Even though my body is screaming to be listened to, even though I'm still feeling the sensation in my gut and in my heart and in my throat, my mind can say no, I think this is a good thing, I should push through this, but my body is saying something different. So tuning into your body is really important. Another practice I have is reaching out to my inner circle, talking things through with my trusted friends, mentors. This can really help provide perspective. They might, and oftentimes, see things that I can't. When fear makes my mind all scrambled and clouds my judgment, I can call up a friend and say this is what I'm dealing with, do you have perspectives that I'm not seeing? And it always seems to help. Sometimes I've also done a risk assessment, so weighing the risks and rewards.

Speaker 1: 17:21

If pushing through the fear aligns with my authentic self, then I might feel like it's worth it to push through, but if it feels like it threatens my wellbeing, I think it's wiser to listen to it, and I also want to say that it's never just a straight line for me. It's up and down. I'll push a little bit and then contract and push and expand and contract and allowing myself space to do that, instead of having unrealistic expectations that I should just move through it and be done with the emotions. That, to me, is unrealistic. I also love to identify my core needs, like what are my core needs For me? Safety, love, connection. Are these at stake? If they are at stake, then pushing through might not be the best option. If I feel like my needs are being met, then maybe it's worth exploring.

Speaker 1: 18:20

Another thing I love to do is dialogue with myself. I love talking to myself out loud. Having a conversation between the part of me that's fearful and the part of me that's curious can bring surprising insights. It can feel strange at first, but it's really a powerful way to integrate these different aspects of myself. And then the last practice that I do and many times when all things fail, although I should probably do this earlier in my exploration of the fear is to move my body.

Speaker 1: 18:54

Physical movement, whether it's walking, dancing, hiking, moving my body helps to move my thoughts and move the energy, and many times it helps to release this excruciating grip that sometimes fear seems to have on me. Think about what movement feels really good to you. For me, I like to feel my heart pumping. I like to feel my limbs moving, I like to feel my muscles being stressed a little bit, because that helps to get the energy moving in my body and move the emotion and clear my mind. Many times I think our thoughts and our mind mirror and reflect our body and vice versa. So if I'm sitting all day, my mind tends to get stuck specifically when I'm working on something challenging. And when I move my body, the thoughts start to move and there creates some more space in between all my thoughts. Even going outside and taking off my shoes and putting my feet in grass and focusing on my body and moving my arms a little bit, even just waving them as if I'm a kid, twirling, moving my arms, exploring my body, that can help. So look at what feels good to you in your body and I would really encourage the feeling good part of moving your body. I wouldn't say go do a hard workout if you hate working out, because that is working against what I think these practices are trying to do, which is to feel good in your body, feel movement in your body. So I hope those were helpful for you, and the biggest thing I would say is to be tender with yourself, be compassionate with yourself, show yourself compassion, show yourself tenderness.

Speaker 1: 20:59

Fear is a complex emotion, but it can also be a valuable teacher, and so when we engage with it thoughtfully, consciously, and with that tenderness and compassion, we honor both its transformative and protective roles. And the more we allow ourselves to feel fear without judgment, the more space we create for healing and growth. Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran captured this beautifully in this poem. It is said that before entering the sea, a river trembles with fear. But the river cannot go back. To go back is impossible in existence. The river must take the risk of entering the ocean, because only then will fear disappear. That's where the river knows. It's not about disappearing into the ocean, but about becoming the ocean. So maybe that's what fear is here for to give us pause is here for. To give us pause to help us explore, question, expand and to remind us that being human means feeling deeply. And maybe, just maybe, we can celebrate that.

Speaker 1: 22:19

Stay curious. Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my website, kerryjerislowcom, instagram or TikTok.

Speaker 1: 23:17

Stay curious. Every relationship is as unique as you are, as you are. Are you wondering why you never seem to find lasting fulfillment in your relationships? Or do you create the same kinds of relationship experiences over and over again? Can you never seem to find even one person who you want to explore a relationship with? Have you just given up hope altogether?

Speaker 1: 23:46

If this sounds like you, my recent book why Do they Always Break Up With Me is the perfect place to start. The foundation of any relationship, whether intimate or not, is the relationship we have with ourselves. In the book, I lead you through eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey. Eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey. You'll learn about the importance of self-acceptance, gratitude, belief shifting and forgiveness, and given exercises to experience these life-changing concepts. This is the process I use to shift my relationships from continual heartbreak to what they are now fulfilling, soul-nourishing, compassionate and loving. It is possible for you. This book can set you on a path to get there, currently available through Amazon or through the link in the show notes.