From Monogamy to Monogamish: Reimagining Modern Relationships

Episode 103: 
From Monogamy to Monogamish: Reimagining Modern Relationships

In this episode of the Relationship Diversity Podcast, I dive into the concept of 'monogamish' relationships—a hybrid between monogamy and open relationships. 

Coined by Dan Savage, this term represents relationships that blend primary commitment with some degree of sexual or emotional openness. I explore the origins of the term, its benefits, and various examples of how monogamish arrangements can be personalized to fit unique partnership needs. 

I emphasize the importance of communication, trust, and flexibility, and offer practical advice for those considering this relationship structure. 

The episode also includes reflective questions to determine if a monogamish setup could be right for you and your partner, along with steps to navigate the transition from traditional monogamy.

00:00 Introduction to Monogamish Relationships

00:47 Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast

01:38 Carrie Jeroslow's Personal Journey with Relationships

04:16 Exploring the Term 'Monogamish'

09:16 Examples of Monogamish Relationships

12:40 Characteristics for Thriving in a Monogamish Relationship

19:47 Steps to Transition to a Monogamish Relationship

24:06 Conclusion and Additional Resources

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Podcast Music by Zachariah Hickman

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Monogamish Relationships
• 16:08 Navigating Monogamish Relationships With Intention
• 26:22 Transform Your Relationships With Self-Exploration

Transcript

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:00

The term monogamish refers to a mostly monogamous relationship that allows for some degree of sexual or emotional openness.

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:10

Think of it as a hybrid between monogamy and open relationships.

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:16

It's about creating a partnership that fits your unique needs while maintaining a primary commitment to each other.

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:27

Needs while maintaining a primary commitment to each other. Today, monogamish is widely recognized and used to describe relationships that don't fit neatly into the traditional definitions of monogamy or open relationships. It reflects a growing acceptance of diverse relationship structures and understanding that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to love and commitment. Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from soloramory to monogamy, to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, keri Jaroslow, bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become.

Carrie Jeroslow: 1:38

I'm fascinated by relationships. In my early twenties, my interests largely centered around why I could never seem to make one work my self-work, became understanding my past, to release it and step into my future with less of the baggage that seemed to always find me back to being alone. In my thirties, I became interested in how to maintain them. What were the skills that were really needed to feel good in relationships, and my inner work centered around learning how to communicate, speaking what was truly important to me, beginning to step out of people-pleasing and into authentic expression. In my 40s, I became intrigued with the ebbs and flows, ups and downs of long-term relationships, especially when children enter the picture. My self-reflection brought awarenesses of losing myself and finding myself again, or coming into a new, expanded version of myself in this long-term relationship. And now, in my 50s, as I break down all that I thought relationships were, as I witnessed the destruction of long held, ingrained beliefs, as I released the fairytale relationships that I so desperately tried to make real, and after failing miserably, I have become really, really curious about what actually happens in relationships. Like, really, if I were to be a fly on all the walls and witness what is really happening, what would I see? Witness what is really happening, what would I see? What I believe I would see is that no one does them the same. Yes, on Instagram or Facebook, we may show what we want people to see, what we think our relationships should look like, but if we peeled away the curtain, what would we truly find?

Carrie Jeroslow: 3:46

I wonder how many monogamous relationships are really more, maybe, monogamish? I don't know the answer to that, but recent studies show that somewhere between 10 and 13 million Americans are practicing a form of non-monogamy. And how many more people beyond that stretch the boundaries of quote unquote traditional monogamy? So in this episode, I wanted to explore the term monogamish where it came from, what it means, examples of how a monogamish relationship could be expressed and how to determine if this could be a supportive and fulfilling structure for you and your partner. So let's start with defining monogamish.

Carrie Jeroslow: 4:40

The term monogamous refers to a mostly monogamous relationship that allows for some degree of sexual or emotional openness. Think of it as a hybrid between monogamy and open relationships. It's about creating a partnership that fits your unique needs while maintaining a primary commitment to each other. Unique needs while maintaining a primary commitment to each other. The term was coined by the renowned columnist Dan Savage. Savage is well known for his work on sex and relationships, and his column Savage Love has been a go-to resource for many seeking advice on these topics. Seeking advice on these topics, he introduced the term monogamish in the early 2000s to describe his own long-term relationship with his husband, terry Miller. In Savage's description, their relationship was primarily monogamous, but with allowances for occasional outside experiences. This arrangement was built on a foundation of mutual consent, open communication and trust. Savage's use of the term was really revolutionary because it challenged the binary thinking of relationships being either strictly monogamous or entirely open. Instead, it offered this spectrum, acknowledging that many couples might find themselves somewhere in between. I love this term because, as I always say, every relationship is unique and there is no one way to be in relationship. We all do it in our own way, and this term became a way to express that spectrum.

Carrie Jeroslow: 6:34

The concept of being monogamish resonated with so many people who found traditional monogamy restrictive but also weren't interested in fully opening their relationship. Savage's frank and open discussions about his relationship helped destigmatize the idea of non-monogamy and opened up a broader conversation about how couples can tailor their relationships to fit their unique needs. This is the idea of designing the relationship that is most authentic to who you are. The term gained further traction through Savage's podcast, savage Lovecast and various media appearances. His discussions emphasize the importance of honesty, communication and respect in any relationship dynamic, whether monogamous, open or monogamish. As the concept of monogamish gained popularity, it started to be featured in mainstream media articles in magazines, newspapers and online platforms. They all began to explore this middle ground between monogamy and polyamory.

Carrie Jeroslow: 7:49

Today, monogamish is widely recognized and used to describe relationships that don't fit neatly into the traditional definitions of monogamy or open relationships. It reflects a growing acceptance of diverse relationship structures and understanding that, again, there is no one size fits all approach to love and commitment. People have adapted the concept to fit their own needs, creating personalized agreements that allow for varying degrees of openness. This flexibility acknowledges the complex nature of human relationships and the fact that our needs and desires can evolve over time, which I also talk about all the time, and it's why I so love this term.

Carrie Jeroslow: 8:42

Monogamish can take so many different forms. It's a spectrum and you can fall anywhere on it. For some couples, it might mean allowing for occasional sexual experiences with other people. For others, it could mean flirting, online interactions or even emotional connections that don't cross into physical intimacy. The key is that these arrangements are agreed upon by both partners, with open communication and mutual consent being the foundation, because there are so many ways monogamish can play out for couples. I wanted to spark your curiosity and give you some examples of how it might look like in real life.

Carrie Jeroslow: 9:29

Some couples might agree that it's okay to have a fling while on vacation, but not at home. This allows for excitement and novelty while keeping their daily life stable. A couple might create a pass list where they each have a list of celebrities or friends they're allowed to have a one-time pass with should the opportunity arise. This can be a fun and playful way to discuss attractions without feeling threatened. Couples might be okay with online flirting or even virtual relationships, as long as they don't meet in person. This can help maintain a sense of adventure and novelty, again without physical risks, and can include sexting, video chats or participating in online communities. Some couples might agree that it's okay to go on occasional dates with other people, as long as these interactions don't lead to sexual intimacy. This can help maintain that sense of excitement without compromising the core relationship. Couples might allow for more flexibility at specific events, like parties or festivals, where flirting or even making out with others is permissible. This can add an element of fun and spontaneity. Some couples might have an agreement that sexual experiences with others are allowed only when they are apart for extended periods, such as during business trips or long distance stints.

Carrie Jeroslow: 11:08

In some monogamous relationships, partners may allow for emotional connections with others, such as close friendships or emotional connections, but draw the line at physical intimacy. Some couples might explore their monogamish dynamic by engaging in threesomes or group sex together. This can be a way to introduce variety while maintaining a shared experience. A couple could agree to occasional physical encounters with others, but have specific guidelines about how these encounters should be handled. For instance, they might limit these experiences to one night stands or ensure they happen with strangers rather than close friends. Some couples might prefer not to share details about their outside encounters. They agree that what happens outside their relationship doesn't need to be disclosed, as long as it adheres to their agreed boundaries. In some monogamous arrangements, couples may allow sexual encounters with specific friends they trust and feel comfortable with. This can minimize risks and maintain a sense of security, and there are so many other possibilities and nuances that can be incorporated to come up with your own unique expression of what monogamish might look like for you and your partner.

Carrie Jeroslow: 12:35

So think a monogamish structure might work for you? Well, I think there are certain personal characteristics that will help a monogamish relationship thrive. I've put them in the form of a question for you to ask yourself and answer as honestly as possible. Check in with yourself to see if you feel, if you and your relationship have these important characteristics to make a monogamish structure feel fulfilling and add to your current relationship rather than detract from it. Here you go. Are you open communicators? Here you go. Are you open communicators? Effective communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, but it is especially crucial in monogamous relationships. Open communicators are comfortable discussing their feelings, needs and boundaries with their partner. They can express themselves honestly and listen actively, ensuring that both parties are on the same page. So if one partner feels neglected or uncomfortable with a particular aspect of their arrangement, they feel they can voice their concerns without fear of judgment. This openness helps prevent misunderstandings and keeps the relationship healthy.

Carrie Jeroslow: 14:01

Do you feel secure in your relationship? People who are secure in their relationship are confident in their bond and not easily threatened by the idea of their partner having attraction to others. They trust the foundation of their relationship and believe in their partner's commitment. So a secure person won't feel overly jealous if their partner finds someone else attractive. They understand that attraction to others is natural and doesn't diminish their partner's love for them. And I want to say this doesn't mean that you will not feel jealous. Jealousy is a normal human emotion. It's just that people who have more fulfillment in this monogamous structure will look at their jealousy and do their self-work around it, try to process it and feel into it and see what is underneath it.

Carrie Jeroslow: 14:59

Are you flexible and adaptable? These are key traits for those in monogamous relationships. Life and relationships are dynamic, meaning they always shift and evolve, and being able to adjust to new situations and agreements as they arise is vital. So if the couple agrees on certain boundaries initially but later finds that adjustments are needed, adaptable individuals can recalibrate their agreements without too much stress or conflict. Are you trusting and trustworthy? Are you trusting and trustworthy? Trust is essential in any relationship, but it's particularly important in a monogamish setup. Both partners need to trust each other's words and actions and be trustworthy themselves to uphold the agreements made. So if a couple agrees that flirting with others is okay but physical intimacy is off limits, both partners must trust that these boundaries will be respected and feel confident that they will be.

Carrie Jeroslow: 16:08

Are you curious and adventurous. Those who have a natural curiosity and a sense of adventure often find monogamamous relationships fulfilling. They're open to exploring new experiences and see the relationship dynamic as an opportunity for growth and excitement. So a curious and adventurous couple might enjoy exploring new aspects of their relationship, like attending social events where light flirting is acceptable or discussing fantasies openly. Are you emotionally mature? Emotional maturity involves understanding and managing one's emotions and empathizing with the partner's feelings. It means approaching conflicts and challenges and jealousy with a calm and constructive attitude. And we're not all perfect and we don't do it perfectly a hundred percent of the time, or sometimes even 50% of the time. But an emotionally mature person will look at themselves and understand what's going on within them, and then be able to use communication and acknowledgement to use these conflicts and challenges to grow and evolve within themselves. So when feelings of jealousy or insecurity arise, an emotionally mature person can address these feelings constructively, discussing them openly with their partner rather than letting them fester.

Carrie Jeroslow: 17:47

Are you independent, yet connected? People who thrive in monogamish relationships often value both their independence and their connection with their partner. They enjoy having personal space and a sense of autonomy while maintaining a strong loving bond. So these people might pursue personal hobbies or friendships outside the relationship without feeling guilty or needing constant reassurance from their partner. Are you respectful of boundaries? Respecting boundaries is crucial in monogamish relationships. Those who thrive in these kinds of relationships understand the importance of boundaries and are committed to respecting them. So if a couple decides that online flirting is acceptable but physical meetings are not, a respectful partner will adhere to this agreement and not push or question the boundaries set. Are you willing to seek help? Sometimes navigating a monogamous relationship can be challenging, and those who thrive are not afraid to seek external help, such as therapy or counseling, to ensure their relationship remains healthy.

Carrie Jeroslow: 19:05

We are very ingrained with a mononormative mindset, meaning that we are very steeped in monogamy. So when you start to push the boundaries of this monogamous structure, things are going to come up. Are you willing to seek help? So if conflicts or insecurities arise that a couple can't resolve on their own, they might consult a relationship therapist to gain new perspectives and strategies for managing their dynamic. You don't have to be perfect. We're all works in progress. This is about intention and desire to grow, learn and evolve. But if you answered yes to a majority of those questions and are looking to start to transition from traditional monogamy to some form of monogamish.

Carrie Jeroslow: 20:00

Here are some steps to help you get there with the most amount of intentionality and attention and attention. The first step, and could take the longest, is to start the conversation with your partner by discussing your thoughts and feelings, expressing why you're interested in exploring this and listening to their perspective. Remember, you might have been thinking about this for a long time, but when you start a conversation with your partner, it could be the first that they're hearing it, so they may need time to go away and think about what might be in it for them, what are their fears, why they might want to do that, and you also might want to go away and get really clear on your why, why this is important. I think this step is so important, so patience is the key with this step. It's just starting the conversation and really listening to your partner, really getting clear on all of your fears, all of your intentions, all of the things that are exciting to you, and be able to have that conversation and also really hear your partner. I will say that again really listen to your partner and to what their fears are and then speak to each other's fear, acknowledging them, accepting them and really really hearing them.

Carrie Jeroslow: 21:36

So once you start to do that, you're going to want to set clear boundaries by establishing what is and isn't acceptable. And this step, and the first step, will probably flow back and forth between these steps of having the conversations and setting clear boundaries and listening to what their fears are and then establishing boundaries around that to help each other move into this process as safely and securely as possible. So this setting clear boundaries could take lots of different adjustments and conversations. Start with having the conversations and being as honest as possible with where you are now, not where you hope to be, where you want to be, where you wish you were, but where you are now. This will help you be clear about what you're wanting and capable to do in this present moment. Boundaries may change, they probably will and evolve, but this is unknown. So you really want to be honest with where you are in the present moment and then take baby steps. You don't have to dive in headfirst. Start small, perhaps with more open discussions about attractions or setting a very limited boundary that you both agree upon.

Carrie Jeroslow: 23:07

Check in regularly, keep the lines of communication open. Regular check-ins can help address any issues or feelings that arise and this ensures that both partners feel heard and valued. Have your check-in time frame determined before you start. Will you check in weekly? Will you check in monthly? Will you check in after every encounter? Be clear and follow through, even when it gets uncomfortable, and finally, seek guidance, if needed by talking to a relationship coach or therapist who has experience with non-traditional relationships.

Carrie Jeroslow: 23:49

I have interviewed so many on this podcast non-traditional relationships. I have interviewed so many on this podcast. If you need any recommendations, please email me and I will send you some ideas of incredible relationship coaches or therapists who really support a non-traditional dynamic. I've seen how diverse relationships can enrich our lives. I've heard many stories from couples about their experiences of moving from monogamy to monogamish, or to open or to polyamory, and the common thread is always communication and consent. For some, moving to a more monogamish structure has revitalized their relationship, bringing them closer through the honesty and trust they've built. For others, it's been a journey of discovery and sometimes realizing it's not for them, and that's okay too. Remember there's no one size fits all in relationships. The beauty lies in creating a dynamic that works uniquely for you and your partner. Monogamish isn't about following a trend or following certain rules. It's about finding what resonates with your unique desires, values and priorities, while making your relationship thrive. Stay curious.

Carrie Jeroslow: 25:16

Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my YouTube channel, where I'll give you even more free resources and information all about relationship diversity. More free resources and information all about relationship diversity. I'm super excited to go deeper into YouTube because I'll be able to connect and have conversations directly with you. You'll find the link in the show notes.

Carrie Jeroslow: 26:22

Stay curious. Every relationship is as unique as you are. As you are. Are you wondering why you never seem to find lasting fulfillment in your relationships, or do you create the same kinds of relationship experiences over and over again, can you never seem to find even one person who you want to explore a relationship with? Have you just given up hope altogether? If this sounds like you, my recent book why Do they Always Break Up With Me is the perfect place to start. The foundation of any relationship, whether intimate or not, is the relationship we have with ourselves. In the book, I lead you through eight clear steps to start or continue your self-exploration journey. You'll learn about the importance of self-acceptance, gratitude, belief, shifting and forgiveness, and given exercises to experience these life-changing concepts. This is the process I use to shift my relationships from continual heartbreak to what they are now fulfilling, soul-nourishing, compassionate and loving. It is possible for you. This book can set you on a path to get there, currently available through Amazon or through the link in the show notes.