Breaking Free from External Opinions to Reclaim Your Autonomy

Episode 070
Breaking Free from External Opinions to Reclaim Your Autonomy and Design Your Own Unique Relationship

Have you ever felt shackled by the judgmental voices of society, or even those closest to you?

In this episode, I reveal my personal story of breaking free from the stifling expectations and opinions of others. This path of self-discovery and reclamation is imperative when beginning your exploration into diverse relationship structures.

You may be the first in your family, peer group, or community to explore something other than mono-normative relationshipping. Understanding what are your opinions and beliefs, and what are others, will help you get grounded in what you believe in. It will also pave the path for you to live more authentically which will bring more fulfillment into your relationships and life.

With this knowledge, you will learn to claim that which you are worthy of experiencing - your true self.

 This episode is not merely about breaking free but building a more authentic, empowered existence. It is a celebration of the unique you.

This is Relationships Reimagined.

Join me to be a part of this new paradigm of conscious, intentional, and diverse relationships.

The Relationship Diversity Podcast celebrates and explores all aspects of relationship structure diversity from soloamory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between because every relationship is as unique as you are.

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Podcast Music by Zachariah Hickman

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Chapters

• 0:02 Breaking Free
• 17:01 Transformative 8-Week Relationship Program

Transcript

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:02

Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from solaramary to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, Ca Jarislow. Bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become.

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:50

I couldn't leave high school fast enough. My parents had to convince me to go to graduation because as soon as the last bell of my senior year screamed, you're done with this place. I ran as fast as I could. It's not that I was bullied, thank goodness, or didn't have any friends. I just had this growing, nagging sensation deep in my core, from about the 9th grade on, that I was different from most of the people I hung out with. I should say that I felt different. I had three best girlfriends. We'd been friends since elementary school. We'd spent so many years doing sleepovers, talking about boys, discovering and listening to music, among other life experiences, that I didn't realize how different from them I felt, until one day I was sitting in my den at the age of 16. My friends were over and I was struggling. I was three years into my parents' divorce and I had just had an unlucky encounter with a food processor. My finger was the victim in that confrontation and after 30 stitches I had a large bandage on my right hand as the pieces of skin fused back together. I was in pain, emotionally and physically, but I didn't feel like I could talk about any of it. My friends were laughing, joking and dancing around, seemingly oblivious to what was going on with me. In their defense, I didn't say anything. I just sat on the couch, barely holding it together, trying to laugh and smile and play along.

Carrie Jeroslow: 2:34

That was the moment I realized that I was growing in a different direction than my best friends. We may have started in similar places with similar desires, but things changed. Yet I let their opinions, likes and dislikes, overrule. My own People in my life would call me sensitive, overly emotional, dramatic, and these opinions snuffed out my spirit. I learned that it was safer and easier for me to be what others wanted me to be, to be agreeable. If I agreed with my friends' opinions, I'd be more accepted I'd fit in.

Carrie Jeroslow: 3:12

I was super depressed during high school. During those years, and although the divorce played a part of it, me trying to be someone other than myself and, in essence, betraying who I wanted to become, was what really sank me down low. I allowed other people's opinions, or the fear of what others would think if I was really myself, to control who I was in the world. I do think that this is somewhat normal for teenagers who are growing, evolving and becoming at such a fast rate they're finding themselves. I was trying to find myself For a long time. I didn't have the courage to break free. I didn't have the wisdom to know that I couldn't be controlled by anyone's opinions and that the power lied within me to forge forward on a new path. Towards the end of my senior year of high school, though, I felt the burn within that little six-year-old rebellious girl never fully died she was just buried for a long time.

Carrie Jeroslow: 4:15

So when it came time to figure out what I was going to do after high school, I leaped at the chance to leave home right after graduation, and even though I moved to the beach with those high school friends for the summer before my freshman year of college, I began to find my own way. I met new friends at my job who I shared a love of similar music. We'd go dancing at clubs after work and I began to feel more alive. After that summer I moved to another state for college and found friends that I resonated with on such a deep level, people who I could really let myself shine and blossom. What a healing it was to hang out with people who let me be me. My happiness blossomed as I blossomed. My friends or people who wanted to hear my opinions and helped me feel safe expressing them, which in turn built up my confidence and understanding of who I was becoming. And although they didn't always agree, there was space for me to be me and for them to be them. So now, instead of being controlled by other people's opinions, I was expanding from my own and letting my own thoughts develop my life.

Carrie Jeroslow: 5:32

I continued this trajectory through my time in New York and Las Vegas. I became very selective with who I spent significant time with. Looking back, I think this was a slow but cumulative process, because now, 30 years later, I've cultivated a tribe who loves and supports me, who allows me to be me even if they don't agree or have different opinions. And looking back, I have to say that the stronger I got within believing and loving my unique self, the less I felt controlled by other opinions. Even my amazing dad, who to this day tells me I'm just an opinionated person and probably won't change at this point in my life In my 20s. That statement and his strong opinions would crush me, but now we both laugh about it. He can be himself fully by giving me his opinions, thanks dad, and I'm able to give him the space to do so without being controlled by them.

Carrie Jeroslow: 6:36

My sense of freedom and joy has expanded as I took ownership of my life. This doesn't mean that I don't take in and listen to what others think and feel. It means that I feel strong in who I am and can take in a just when I feel called to, without the opinions pulling me away from who I really am. And there's definitely a direct correlation between this and my happiness, and this is what I'm going to talk about in today's episode. I'll explore why succumbing to the opinions and judgments of others can lead not only to inauthenticity, but also to feeling disempowered and ultimately, unhappy and unfulfilled. And because I don't like to just identify a problem without giving some possible solutions. I'll talk about some steps to safely shift towards a more authentic and empowered existence, which will lead to more joy in your relationships and overall life.

Carrie Jeroslow: 7:37

When talking about relationship diversity, this topic is potent Because if you feel called to explore anything other than a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite sex, then you will most likely encounter people's opinions and judgments. People who explore relationships in their own way need to be trailblazers, because they may be the first in their family or circle of friends or coworkers to ever question the mononormative script most of us have unconsciously accepted as the only way to be in life. In my opinion, one of the most challenging steps we often find ourselves stumbling over is the compulsion to let other people's opinions dictate our choices. While it's natural to seek validation and acceptance from those around us, living a life driven by external judgments can be disempowering, stifling and ultimately unfulfilling. When you allow the opinions of others to dictate your decisions, you risk losing touch with your true self. Your authentic desires, values and aspirations take a backseat and you become just a mere reflection of other people's expectations. This can lead to a life that feels empty, devoid of purpose, as it's not aligned with your inner self In relationships. Constantly seeking approval can break down your self-esteem and undermine the connection you have with others.

Carrie Jeroslow: 9:15

Authentic relationships thrive on mutual respect and acceptance of each other's true selves. By prioritizing others' opinions over your own, you may attract people who don't appreciate who you truly are, or even push away those who genuinely care about you. You may find yourself lost and frustrated in your relationships because you're just trying to be what others want you to be. This causes you to get ungrounded, uncertain and inevitably asking yourself what did I do wrong? Listening to the judgments of others can prevent you from pursuing your passions and ambitions. You may shy away from opportunities that could lead to personal growth and fulfillment simply because they don't align with societal expectations or the opinions of those close to you.

Carrie Jeroslow: 10:07

Here's some real talk. You can't be controlled by other people's opinions. I get that. It's easier to think that you can, but it's also super disempowering. To start to shift away from this belief, there needs to be a thought, first and foremost, that you are in control of your thoughts, beliefs and opinions and that you are worthy of having your thoughts, beliefs and opinions. This is how you begin to shift from disempowered to empowered, and this process takes awareness, patience, resiliency and perseverance, because if you're just starting out, you'll have a lot stacked against you, including a lifetime of being one way. But with deep breaths, a deep desire and growing self-love and acceptance, it is very possible more than possible to make this shift. So, as promised, here are some steps to help you on your journey.

Carrie Jeroslow: 11:08

The first step in regaining autonomy over your opinions and thoughts is self-awareness. Most personal evolutionary work starts right here, and this is no different. Take time to reflect on your values, desires and dreams. Understand what truly matters to you and why it matters. Dig deep. This is important work. Journaling, therapy or talking to trusted friends can help you gain this important insight.

Carrie Jeroslow: 11:42

The next step is to take stock and recognize the sources of external influence in your life. Are there specific individuals, societal norms or cultural pressures that are particularly influential? Awareness of these factors can help you distinguish between your own thoughts and external judgments. What phrases or words or beliefs did you grow up witnessing? Did you remember ever wondering why relationships or life was shown or discussed in one particular way? So, after you've done both of those inquiries, compare lists and find discrepancies. This will bring a lot of awareness as to how you've been influenced by outside opinions. This is also a really good time to take deep breaths, show yourself love and compassion, because many times when we uncover awareness of how much dysfunction we've been living in, it can feel heavy. Do nice things for yourself, rest more, Drink lots of water, eat good food, listen to music you love, take baths whatever it is that will help you nurture yourself through this process.

Carrie Jeroslow: 12:59

Okay, after those first two important steps, begin establishing boundaries to maintain your truth, learn to say no when necessary and protect your inner world from external judgments that don't align with your values. Healthy boundaries allow you to make decisions that honor your true self and maybe, with this step, start on the smaller side. Maybe start with a co-worker who you're not really close to, and then maybe move up to a friend. It might be wise not to start right off the bat with the most influential people in your life, like your parents. I also think a large part of creating healthy boundaries is being selective in who you tell intimate parts of yourself to. I love transparency.

Carrie Jeroslow: 13:54

When I was in my mid-20s, I felt rebellious to be me large and out loud and screw the world. Those two factors together led me to talking openly about my life, telling whoever whatever I wanted, even if it wasn't safe or appropriate, and I was faced with judgments from others not necessarily my close friends, but from other acquaintances who were peering into my life through their own filters and giving me input. Well, if I were you, have you ever heard that Until I learned that I don't have to tell everyone everything about me? Take stock in the people in your life and ask yourself if you feel safe with them. How have they shown up in your life in the past? If you don't feel safe being authentically you, then you don't have to tell them parts of your life they may have strong opinions about, ones that would either shame you try to change your behavior, or that may affect your behavior in an inauthentic way.

Carrie Jeroslow: 14:57

The next step is to surround yourself with people who support and celebrate who you truly are. Share your thoughts, aspirations and fears with those who genuinely care about you and your well-being. A supportive community can provide encouragement and guidance as you navigate the path to empowerment. If you don't have one, take some important time to find people that have some of your same interests. Review your self-reflection to find interests and then search for a community that supports them. There are communities for every single interest. You'd be amazed. Do that there's a community and then do a little sleuthing within your own community, where you live, or online to find people that share your interests.

Carrie Jeroslow: 15:48

I think sometimes, when we take on other people's opinions, we strive for this unattainable perfection that leaves us feeling inadequate. So, in this final step, embrace your imperfections, as well as your past, and view them as unique qualities that make you who you are. Authenticity doesn't require perfection. It demands honesty and self-acceptance. As I said before, becoming more empowered in your opinions, thoughts and beliefs won't happen overnight. Start by making those small choices that align with your authentic self and gradually work your way up to more significant decisions. Each step you take towards self-expression will build your confidence and if you stay with it, you will reclaim your autonomy. Your life will begin to reflect what you truly think and who you truly are, and years from now, you will find yourself in more joy and fulfillment than you ever thought possible. It's never too late to start, and I celebrate you.

Carrie Jeroslow: 17:01

Stay curious. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my website, carriejeroslowdotcom, instagram or TikTok. Stay curious. Every relationship is as unique as you are. Are you feeling stuck or unfulfilled in your intimate relationship? Do all your relationships end in the same way? Do you feel like you've lost the spark in your current relationship? Can you never even find one person who you want to explore a relationship with? If you answered yes to any of those questions, or sick and tired of feeling like a failure in your relationships and desperately desire a different experience, then my 8-week deep reprogramming intensive may be the answer for you.

Carrie Jeroslow: 18:38

In this program, I work individually with you for 8 transformative weeks. We'll identify the subconscious programming that's keeping you stuck and shift it to a new, affirming belief systems. We go deep, we get real. We get results. This is healing unlike anything you've ever experienced before.

Carrie Jeroslow: 18:58

Here's what people are saying. Jordan from North Carolina said More has shifted in 8 weeks of working with Carrie than 10 years of psychotherapy. Jane from Sanford, north Carolina, said it's honestly changed my life. And Cassie from Santa Barbara, California, said Carrie's laser precision in helping me diagnose where the stuck energy was helped me make positive movement in our first session alone Absolutely transformational. I love being a guide and witness to these courageous people who claim that they were done with their past experiences and ready for something different. I'm opening a limited number of spots for 2023 and would love to help you permanently transform your relationship experience to set up a free 30 minute clarity call where I'll help you uncover your number one block to fulfilling relationships. Connect with me through the link in the show notes. You are worthy of experiencing deep fulfillment and love in your relationships. This intensive work will help you get there.