Episode 074: A PSA: You Are Unique! Why Are You Trying to Fit Your Relationship Into a Box?
Are you tired of trying to fit your relationship into society's cookie-cutter mold? Ever felt like a failure because the 'right way' of doing relationships doesn't feel right for you?
In this episode, I break away from societal dictations on relationships and celebrate the diversity in our connections. From monogamy to polyamory, relationship anarchy, and everything in between, we take a closer look at various relationship structures, examining the beauty in each unique expression of love. We focus on the importance of self-knowledge, compassion for our individual needs and desires, and the courage to ask ourselves what we truly want from our relationships. Remember, there is no one right way to be in a relationship.
If you've been searching for permission to be your unique self in your unique relationships, look no further. This is the episode for you!
This is Relationships Reimagined.
Join me for this new paradigm of conscious, diverse and intentional relationships.
Please note: I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, counselor, or social worker. I am not attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any physical, mental, or emotional issue, disease, or condition. The information provided in or through my podcast is not intended to be a substitute for the professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment provided by your own Medical Provider or Mental Health Provider. Always seek the advice of your own Medical Provider and/or Mental Health Provider regarding any questions or concerns you have about your specific circumstance.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from soloamory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, Ca Jarislow. Bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become.
Carrie Jeroslow:
I've been voraciously learning about intimate relationships for almost two decades. At first, I wanted to soak in as much as I could because I just couldn't figure them out. I could never seem to make a relationship work. Then, after my divorce and after a life-changing three-month healing journey where I went into the darkest parts of myself and excavated as much as I could and came out renewed, I wanted to go deeper. I wanted to expand my understanding of being in relationships consciously and intentionally. After many years of being in intimate relationships in a completely different way than ever before, where I was able to speak my truth better and be heard and honored, I craved learning about how to help people heal their own wounding, so that they too could experience a similar fulfillment. Now I knew what seemed impossible before was more than possible. If it was for me, then it could be for anyone. Then I began coaching others and I wanted to deepen my knowledge more and more every day, because I knew that I could never really know everything and that continually remaining curious at what I didn't know could only help me, help others more effectively and bring more joy ecstatic joy into my own relationships.
Carrie Jeroslow:
And in the over 20 years that I've been working with myself and others, I've read and heard so much advice. First it was about the right way to find the person, then it was about the best way to keep that person, then it was about the perfect way to be in a happy marriage. And then it was about the right way to go through a divorce, and then it was the only way to find love again, and then it was the exact way to be in a happily monogamous relationship. Then it was the perfect way to make it conscious and intentional, and then it was the only way to really open a previously monogamous relationship. And then it was THE way to be in an open relationship, and then the best way to do poly and so on and so on.
Carrie Jeroslow:
There was so much subtext about there being one right way and many wrong ways. This is where I would often get stuck and hopeless because I could never seem to do it exactly. Like many of these experts said was the right, imperfect way to get the result I wanted, which was a fulfilling, loving relationship, that kind of relationship that resonates in my core, that kind that feels true to me. Joy in my relationships never looked like those experts said it would, and trying to make them look like they said it should look created resistance and stress in my connections. I would say a lot I'm not doing relationships right. I'm not doing marriage right, I'm not doing poly right. By trying to fit into a box labeled the right way to do this kind of relationship, I would end up feeling like a failure. I'm still seeing this trend a lot in the relationship world. It doesn't matter if it's about monogamy or, now more than ever, about non-monogamy. It happens regardless of what structure these people are referring to.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Well-meaning, I believe, experts are saying that there is one right way to be in relationship, and in my opinion, this is very shameful rhetoric. So here is my PSA for today, there is no one way to be in relationship. I repeat, there is no one way to be in relationship. We're all very different people and even if you and I both practiced polyamory because we're different people with different pasts, different experiences, different beliefs we will have different needs and desires. So if we're being true to our unique needs and desires, it's going to show up and be expressed in different ways. As I have said time and time again in this podcast, you are a unique person and if you have a partner or partners, they are unique people. Therefore, a unique person plus a unique person equals a unique relationship. I've talked about this in other episodes, but I really wanted to devote this short episode to this idea, because I'm seeing a lot of divisiveness in a space that's intended to help people to be supportive and affirming, and in my opinion, it really boils down to something quite simple Maybe not easy, but at the core, it's simple.
Carrie Jeroslow:
I believe that most people want the same thing in life To be loved, seen, heard, cared for, honored and held, to be able to be who they really are and be accepted. So the question becomes how does that look and feel for you Not for anyone else, but for you when looking at your relationship with yourself or with another or others. Ask yourself this are you happy? Is this relationship fulfilling in a healthy way? Is it bringing you joy? Are you happy with the person that you're in relationship with? Are you happy with how you show up, how they show up? Are you able to be your authentic self? Is this a consensual and ethical relationship Meaning? Are you being honest, respectful, courteous, compassion and open with yourself and the people involved to the best of your ability? Is this the full expression of who you are, what you want to experience in life? These are the questions you should be asking yourself.
Carrie Jeroslow:
There is no one way to be in relationship. If you can let go of the belief that there is only one right way to be in, let's say, a monogamous relationship or a poly relationship or any relationship structure, you'll free yourself to design what feels most, in alignment with who you are and what you want. You'll learn all you can take what works, leave what doesn't, and create a relationship unique to you. I don't have a lot of tips in this episode for you, like I usually do, so it's gonna be on the shorter side, but the one suggestion I can offer is this know yourself or get to know yourself the best you can in any given moment. Know what you want. Be relentless in your exploration. Be compassionate with yourself. Show yourself the love and acceptance you want from others. After that, if your relationship is consensual between all parties, you feel good, they feel good, you are happy. Then you are doing relationship right for you and that's the way I encourage you to design your relationship.
Carrie Jeroslow:
If you find a coach or influencer and you feel elated and aligned with how they suggest doing a certain kind of relationship, follow all their tips to continue your evolution. But if you hear advice or tips and it makes you feel bad or shamed, honor that feeling. Could it be landing in a shameful way because there's something for you to look at and heal? Sure, and at the same time, we frequently give our inner wisdom and power over to others, especially in this day when we have access to any and all information. Go inward, check in with yourself. No one knows you, like you If you're in a poly relationship that's hierarchical and it feels good to you and the people involved.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Do it. If you want to practice relationship anarchy and it feels like the truest expression of your needs and desires, dig in. If monogamy feels nourishing and intentional and true to who you are in this moment, celebrate. If you love being single and having your autonomy, revel in it. If you desire a partner but at your core you're either aromantic or asexual, or both, learn about platonic life partners and lean into it. If you want to swing because it ignites parts of you that have always intrigued you but you've had to hide you, be you.
Carrie Jeroslow:
If you want to date, explore without commitment and you're transparent with the people involved, go for it, as long as you are clear, honest, respectful, ethical and compassionate. The sky is the limit. If you can imagine it, you can create it. This doesn't mean that there isn't a lot of room to grow and evolve. For example, while practicing polyamory in a certain way, you might learn about a concept like relationship anarchy and feel intrigued and excited to learn more. This might resonate so much that you want to begin to shift your hierarchical polyamorous relationship to one based in the ideas of a relationship anarchy.
Carrie Jeroslow:
This kind of evolution is normal and great to engage in, but if you hear yourself saying the following I just can't seem to get it right then maybe you're coming from a place of trying to impose someone else's rules onto your circumstance. Please, please, extend compassion to yourself and try something different. Try seeing yourself as unique, asking the questions I laid out earlier. Get to know yourself, get to know what you want. Communicate what you want with an open heart and mind. Be like a sculptor take what you have and shape it with your partner. It can be fun when you toss out what doesn't resonate and sit in your own power and wisdom. Imagine how expansive it could be to first understand what you really want and then compassionately communicate it to your partner and then listen to what they really want and come together to co-create a truly unique experience for the both of you. This doesn't necessarily mean that you'll get everything you ask for from your partner. Understanding your non-negotiables and where you feel okay, compromising balanced with learning, the challenging but necessary skill of really hearing your partner and finding middle ground can truly shift your relationship from feeling constrictive and limiting to expansive and limitless. It takes courage, dedication, humility, understanding and care to go through this process of designing your unique relationships, but it is so worth it.
Carrie Jeroslow:
Stay curious. Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get your sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my website, carriejeroslowdotcom., instagram or TikTok. Stay curious. Diversity. Relationship is as unique as you are.