The Monogamous Programming in Our World Runs Deep!

Episode 95
The Monogamous Programming in Our World Runs Deep!

Have you ever found yourself questioning the long-held belief that monogamy is the one-size-fits-all solution to love and commitment? 

In today's episode, I peel back the mononormative curtain that has shrouded our views on relationships for centuries. 

Navigating the tides of traditional relationship expectations, this episode dives into the stigmatization and stereotypes facing those who choose to love differently. We challenge the misleading narrative suggesting that growth is exclusive to monogamy, and instead, we celebrate the personal evolution that occurs across all forms of relationships. 

I share insights from my own ongoing journey of unlearning mononormative views, inviting you to reconsider and reshape the way you think about forming deep, lasting bonds. This isn't just about questioning the status quo—it's a call to action for inclusivity and an embrace of the diverse tapestry of human connection.

This is Relationships Reimagined.

Join the conversation as we dive into a new paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships.

Chosen Family Law Center

OPEN (Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy

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Podcast Music by Zachariah Hickman

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

It's scary at times to see how deeply mononormativity goes into our collective and personal psyches. It's deep, but we must begin somewhere. Just as we all began to question sexual identity programming and gender identity programming, we must begin somewhere with relationship programming. So, if you'll join me in this exploration as a place to begin or continue your own questioning, we can begin to rewrite the monogamous scripting, to say that, yes, monogamy can be a choice and a good choice for many, and there are also so many other ways to be in relationship with others. Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from soloramory to monogamy, to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, Keri Jaroslow, best-selling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become.

Speaker 1: 1:35

I came across this video on YouTube and it was two couples, one monogamous and one non-monogamous, having a discussion about opposing views, and I think this is a really great thing when two people or more can come together with different views and ask questions and get more information and learn other people's perspectives. I feel that that is a really great way to come to more union and, with such divisiveness in the world, having conversations is an amazing place to start and on the surface both people they were friends, so they were accepting, they listened, they tried to understand each other's perspectives and on the surface it looked like total respect for each other's choices and I think ultimately they did have respect for each other. However, what I was most drawn to in this conversation was the way mononormative language and beliefs seeped into the conversation. Specifically coming from the monogamous couple, there were so many assumptions about non-monogamy and I'm just going to read some of the things that were said that I feel had so many underlying assumptions. So the monogamous woman said that their goal is to have a growth mindset, to always be evolving, that the for life commitment is that I'm gonna stick with you when you're not at your best, Even if I feel like I'm not good enough. I know that you're not going to bail, and that that is a really sacred and special bond between us and what the underlying message of that is, people in non-monogamy is through deep, heartfelt connection and lifelong commitment, and I know so many people in polyamorous relationships that have this as the goal. It doesn't mean that it has to be the goal and it is not everyone's goal. However, the way that the monogamous woman talked about this is that the only way you can have that deep, lifelong commitment is through monogamy.

Speaker 1: 4:32

In another part of the conversation, the monogamous man was talking about the statistics of monogamous couples staying together and non-monogamous partners staying together and that it is proven statistically that people in non-monogamous relationships break up more frequently and even quoted 90-some percent of the cases of non-monogamous partners break up. And he was talking about it in terms of children and bringing children into the world, and I want to again say that this is very biased, even though he's saying that there are statistics to prove this, and this is because I have heard from researchers that are in the non-monogamous field that it's really hard to get research funded that is going to paint non-monogamy in a positive light, that is going to talk about the benefits of non-monogamy or alternative relationships, so people can get funded if they're going to be attempting to show that non-monogamy is hurtful or harmful or all the problems with it. But when researchers want to show the benefits of alternative relationships, that they're really left to their own devices to come up with the funding for that kind of research. There are so many assumptions in this interview. This interview is over an hour and a half.

Speaker 1: 6:12

The one last thing that I will say is that this couple was referring to people who are wanting to be polyamorous as people who have underlying relationship issues, either with their parents or with past relationships, and that people wanting polyamorous or alternative relationships are either one or both of them are not willing to grow and evolve. Both of them are not willing to grow and evolve, and that just does not make sense to me, because the one thing I think most polyamorous or alternative relationship educators talk about is that if you want to go into an alternative relationship structure, one of the most important perspectives and mindsets to go into it with is this desire to grow and evolve. So it's really the opposite of these assumptions that this couple had. And then, going into, the comments from this video are just hateful. Hateful about people choosing to express themselves in alternative relationship structures, and we're going to talk more about that in this episode. We're going to center it around this idea of mononormativity, the areas in our lives that it influences, how it affects everyday lives, and how to start examining your own beliefs, moving towards more awareness and inclusivity. And this doesn't mean that you have to experience an alternative relationship structure. It just means that, with language and ideas, you can create a more inclusive environment for those who are expressing their relationship structures different than yours. And I also want to say that I've been going through this as well, even though I am four years into this chapter of my polyamorous relationship. This is a process that I am looking at on a continual basis because it is so ingrained. If you have grown up in this world, there are so many ways that this programming seeps into our subconscious. It's scary at times to see how deeply mononormativity goes into our collective and personal psyches. It's deep, but we must begin somewhere. Just as we all began to question sexual identity programming and gender identity programming, we must begin somewhere with relationship programming. So, if you'll join me in this exploration, as a place to begin or continue your own questioning, we can begin to rewrite the monogamous scripting, to say that, yes, monogamy can be a choice and a good choice for many, and there are also so many other ways to be in relationship with others. Okay, so I'm going to start off with what mononormativity is and, just a little side note, I'm not going to go into the history of monogamy. This is a huge topic and, I think, a whole other podcast in and of itself, which I will do at some point.

Speaker 1: 9:42

Modern normativity refers to the societal expectation that people should have only one romantic or sexual partner at a time or sexual partner at a time, Privileging monogamous relationships over other forms of relationships like polyamory, open relationships, swinging, soloamory anything other than a very small slice of what we have been told monogamy should and does look like. This belief system has deeply infiltrated various aspects of our lives, including our beliefs, society, laws, workplace and our educational systems. So I want to go into each of those a little bit more so you can get some idea of what I'm talking about and also look inward to see if you might have any of this programming. So the first part is beliefs. So many people are raised with the belief that finding one true love or soulmate and settling down in a monogamous relationship is the ultimate goal in life and in romantic life. This even goes into the idea that if a person wants to be single, something is wrong with them.

Speaker 1: 11:03

Mononormativity often reinforces this idea that jealousy and possessiveness are natural and expected emotions in romantic relationships, especially when it comes to protecting this exclusivity of the bond. So with society, there's this social validation that monogamous relationships are typically seen as more socially acceptable and validated compared to other relationship structures. This leads to stigmatization and marginalization of individuals in non-monogamous relationships and also in society. I talk about this all the time is the way the media represents non-monogamous relationships and monogamous relationships. It portrays these monogamous relationships as the default and most desirable form of relationship, and when non-monogamy is shown in the media or in movies, it almost always ends badly. There's been many where I'm like, oh good, this is being shown in a good light, but then at the end it all breaks down, Therefore reinforcing that the only way to find longevity and success is through monogamy.

Speaker 1: 12:29

Another big area where mononormativity shows up is through our legal system. Legal frameworks around marriage and partnership often prioritize monogamous unions, with benefits such as tax incentives, inheritance rights and spousal privileges, largely tailored to monogamous couples. And then also in family law, in the cases of divorce or separation. Family laws typically revolve around monogamous relationships, dictating issues like custody, alimony and property division based on this monogamous framework. And the next big topic is through education, our education about relationships.

Speaker 1: 13:17

Now there's a big problem because we've never been taught really how to be in relationship. But as relationship education is coming out more, there's more relationship coaches. Most of them focus primarily on monogamous relationships, offering limited resources or supports for individuals exploring non-monogamy or alternative relationship structures. Now, side note, I know a lot of amazing alternative relationship educators, so contact me if you need one. There's also this therapeutic bias. Therapists and counselors may unintentionally reinforce mononormative ideals, assuming monogamy as the norm and pathologizing non-monogamous desires or behaviors. Looking for a therapist or counselor, find someone who is alternative relationship structure friendly, who is non-monogamously aware and who will support it and not go to that being the thing that's causing all the problems.

Speaker 1: 14:27

And then just to put in this section, because I already talked about it, but I want wanna put it in this education section is that there's a plethora of funded research to show problems in non-monogamy and therefore showing monogamy as the preferred structure, while research pointed towards the benefits of non-monogamous relationships are rarely funded, and we're behind the times with that. There's been many, many years and we're behind the times with that. There's been many, many years, decades, of monogamously focused research and there has been less time that non-monogamy alternative relationships have been studied and researched. But that is changing. So the last one I want to just focus on with how this mononormativity really infiltrates our beliefs in programming is in the workplace and institutions. So HR policies benefits workplace cultures. They often cater more to employees in monogamous relationships, with less consideration or needs and dynamics of individuals in non-traditional relationship structures. And then religiously and culturally, many religious and cultural institutions promote mononormativity, shaping societal norms and expectations around relationships within their respective communities.

Speaker 1: 15:54

So the examples that I just gave illustrate how this mononormative programming has permeated various aspects of our world and the ways that I just talked about are more visible and with just a little bit more awareness you can go oh, I think that those laws are right out. There are made with monogamous partnerships in mind. But there are many subtle ways that mononormativity programming sneaks into our lives, like through language and assumptions, like I was talking about with that video, and these societal expectations, media and cultural representations, social judgments, discriminations, and although they seem vague, small, they're really impactful in our everyday lives. So I want to give you some more specific examples of these sneaky little ways that the mononormative programming comes into our lives. So the first is through language and assumed monogamy. So conversations, introductions, monogamy, so conversations, introductions and social interactions often default to assuming monogamous relationships unless explicitly stated otherwise. For example, a phrase like do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, rather than maybe one that would be more inclusive, would be something like are you seeing anyone? So, socially, there's this implicit pressure for individuals in non-monogamous relationships to feel that they need to conform to mononormative standards in social settings to avoid judgment, and this leads to a lack of visibility or authenticity about their relationship choices. This is something that I continually grapple with and am doing my best to navigate it. There's also this invisibility of non-monogamous relationships, Like they might not be recognized or acknowledged in various social contexts, such as family gatherings or workplace discussions, and this makes it feel like we have to hide our relationships and it contributes to a sense of erasure for those in these kinds of relationships.

Speaker 1: 18:26

The next is media and cultural representations, which I've already said. The mainstream media portrays mainly monogamous relationships and, again, when a non-monogamous relationship comes into a movie or a TV show, it's often in a poor light. It never works out. And so the programming is that you want your forever person, you want your soulmate. That's what the messaging is and that when you find that person, everything is amazing. You'll never want for anything else. It's very deep programming. I know I had the programming when I was young, the Cinderella programming. I want to meet my Prince Charming. I want to meet that one person who I can live happily ever after with. And even when it does find its way into the mainstream media, like, I'm thinking, couple to thruple that kind of thing, there's a sensationalism that is tied to it, a misrepresentation because we have to have drama with it, and that does not represent it in a fair light. It reinforces negative stereotypes and misconceptions.

Speaker 1: 19:50

Another way this mononormative programming sneaks into our lives is through dating and relationship norms Like. Think about dating apps and platforms. It's getting a little bit better. There are those that are catered to alternative relationship structures, but for the longest time and I would say the majority of dating apps are structured around mononormative expectations, making it challenging for anyone seeking non-monogamous or alternative relationship possibilities to find compatible partners. We're also programmed to ride the relationship escalator, and that is this idea that if I meet someone, we start dating. The goal is to work towards cohabitating marriage, children and living our entire lives together. And that doesn't work for everyone and not everyone wants to climb that relationship escalator, but we're programmed to look for these milestones within this mononormative programming.

Speaker 1: 20:59

And although we already talked about the legal system, I'm going to go a little bit deeper into that and that legal and financial benefits associated with marriage or long-term partnerships are often designed with the mononormative assumptions excluding or disadvantaging individuals in non-monogamous relationships. And then we go to healthcare and insurance. The healthcare policies, insurance coverage, medical decision-making processes prioritize monogamous relationships and this makes it challenging for individuals in non-traditional relationship structures to access and navigate healthcare systems. The last little place that I'll talk about for this insidious assumptions and mononormative thinking and programming is through social judgment and discrimination.

Speaker 1: 21:56

Individuals in non-monogamous relationships face judgment, criticism or intrusive questioning from peers, family members, colleagues who hold mononormative beliefs. It's this thing that there's something wrong with you if you are doing something other than monogamy. Non-monogamous individuals experience discrimination or exclusion in social circles, communities, professional networks, where mononormativity is deeply ingrained and I think in this system is religion. Many religions have a very specific way of looking at how relationships should look within that religion and exclude people or shame them for wanting to experience anything other than monogamy. So I'm curious did this bring up anything for you? Do you have some biases and assumptions that maybe you weren't aware of before you started listening? I don't like to leave people with just a problem and no steps or ways forward, so in this last part I'm going to talk about some solutions, ways that we can begin to shift this mononormative programming. Even if you feel so aligned with monogamy, there are still ways for you to create more inclusive language and programming and thinking to celebrate the beauty of diverse relationships. And so here are some ways that I have begun to shift my programming, and hopefully they'll help you too.

Speaker 1: 23:44

So the first and most important, I think, is to educate yourself. Read books, articles and resources about different relationship structures, such as soloamory, polyamory, non-monogamy, and listen to stories from people who are having positive experiences with it. Seek it out, because there are a lot of them, and when you open your mind to hearing stories of other lifestyles that actually work for the people involved, it will really open your awareness to real experiences. Another way that you can educate yourself is to attend workshops, seminars or discussions on relationship diversity and inclusivity to just gain a deeper understanding of various perspectives. Ask questions to people who are having success with this relationship. Like what do you love about it? I want to learn more. What are the challenges? Like what do you love about it? I want to learn more. What are the challenges? And when you hear those challenges, do your best to not blame non-monogamy, because in every relationship, whether monogamous or not, there are challenges. That's just a normal part of being in relationship with other people.

Speaker 1: 25:04

After you've spent some time educating yourself in and out of learning, take some time to reflect on your own beliefs and assumptions about relationships. Question societal norms and stereotypes that may be influenced by mononormative thinking. This is a big rabbit hole, but a beautiful one that I am currently going through. I can't believe some of the beliefs that I have that I just accepted as true, so it takes a lot of courage to go into that, but very well worth it. Challenge biases or judgments that you may hold towards non-traditional relationships. Ask yourself is this really true? Is this true for everyone? Where can I find situations where this is not true, where there is another way of looking at this, where people are having different experiences? Also, try to use inclusive language. Avoid making assumptions about people's relationship status and open up your questions. So, instead of saying do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe just asking are you in relationship and what does that look like? Here's a big one.

Speaker 1: 26:20

Respect individual choices. Oh my gosh, where would the world be if we respected and honored people's individual personal choices, believing that they can make the best choices for themselves? Try recognizing that everyone has a right to choose the relationship structure that works best for them, whether it is soloamorous, monogamous, non-monogamous, polyamorous or any other form. On the beautiful spectrum of how relationships could work, try using the phrase I honor the choices that you make, Because when we honor another person's choices, our choices also can be honored. And in this respecting individual choices, do your best to avoid imposing your own relationship preferences or judgments on others. This is a big one If we can again say I honor your choices, these are my choices, and stand confident in your choices. If you are choosing to be monogamous and that really works for you, own it. Own it. It's a beautiful thing.

Speaker 1: 27:36

We want to honor and respect each other without putting our judgments and preferences on other people, so the next thing that I would encourage you to do is to create inclusive spaces. Foster inclusive, open-minded conversations in your social circles, workplaces and communities. Encourage discussions about different relationship styles without judgment or bias. Support initiatives and events that promote diversity and inclusivity in relationships, such as relationship workshops, support groups or book clubs or podcast clubs where you talk with a group of people about learning other types of diverse relationship structures. Another way to break down this mononormative programming is to advocate for legal and social equity, Support policies and legal frameworks that recognize and protect the rights of individuals in diverse relationship structures, including marriage, equality, healthcare access and non-discrimination laws. Challenge stigmatization and discrimination against non-monogamous individuals by advocating for greater awareness and acceptance in society. There are wonderful organizations that are advocating for alternative relationship structures. I'm going to link two of those in the show notes. One of them is Chosen Family Law Center and the other is OPEN, which is the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy, and in fact, that organization is having a week of visibility for alternative relationship structures, for open relationships and polyamory in July. Stay tuned because I will be interviewing Brett Chamberlain, who is the CEO of this organization, as we get closer to July.

Speaker 1: 29:45

Be an ally. Stand up against stereotypes, misconceptions and discrimination related to alternative relationship structures. Listen actively, show empathy and offer support to those navigating non-traditional relationship dynamics you don't have to choose it to be an ally or advocate. And, lastly, make an intention to continuously learn and grow. Stay informed about evolving perspectives, research and conversations surrounding relationship diversity. Engage in ongoing learning and self-reflection to broaden your understanding and challenge ingrained biases. Be open to feedback and willing to adjust your attitudes and behaviors as you learn more about inclusivity and diversity in relationships. That's been a big one for me, because when challenged, sometimes, I will admit, I get defensive, but when I can pull myself away, sit and reflect, I many times most times realize how biased my thinking is, even though I am actually practicing an alternative relationship structure. By taking these steps, you can contribute to creating a more inclusive and accepting environment for individuals with these beautiful non-traditional relationship structures and moving away from that mononormative, in-the-box thinking towards a more diverse and respectful approach to relationships.

Speaker 1: 31:30

A more diverse and respectful approach to relationships. It starts with awareness that there's no one right way to be in relationship and, like I always say, you are unique and the people you are in relationship with are unique, and that creates unique relationships. Let's celebrate our uniqueness, celebrate the beautiful spectrum of colorful relationships that are expressed in the world. This is why I love relationship diversity. It honors you and honors the unique way that you show up in your relationships. Stay curious. Show up in your relationships, Stay curious.

Speaker 1: 32:13

Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my YouTube channel, where I'll give you even more free resources and information, all about relationship diversity. I'm super excited to go deeper into YouTube because I'll be able to connect and have conversations directly with you. You'll find the link in the show notes. Stay curious. Every relationship is as unique as you are.